1 00:00:09,533 --> 00:00:10,973 Life--it's literally all we have. 2 00:00:11,067 --> 00:00:11,967 But is it any good? 3 00:00:12,067 --> 00:00:13,327 I'm a reviewer, 4 00:00:13,433 --> 00:00:14,333 but I don't review 5 00:00:14,433 --> 00:00:16,003 food, books, or movies. 6 00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:18,070 I review life itself. 7 00:00:18,167 --> 00:00:19,667 [screams] 8 00:00:19,767 --> 00:00:21,597 [triumphant music] 9 00:00:21,700 --> 00:00:23,300 [parrot squawks] 10 00:00:23,400 --> 00:00:26,830 * 11 00:00:26,933 --> 00:00:27,833 Over here. 12 00:00:27,933 --> 00:00:32,173 * 13 00:00:33,833 --> 00:00:34,733 Welcome to Review. 14 00:00:34,833 --> 00:00:36,433 I'm Forrest MacNeil, 15 00:00:36,533 --> 00:00:39,633 and I am completely dedicated to exploring the life experiences 16 00:00:39,733 --> 00:00:40,973 you want rated. 17 00:00:41,067 --> 00:00:42,967 Here is the delightful A.J. Gibbs. 18 00:00:43,067 --> 00:00:44,667 Hi, Forrest. 19 00:00:44,767 --> 00:00:45,997 I don't suppose you have any reviews for me today. 20 00:00:46,100 --> 00:00:48,500 - Oh, I do. - Great. Okay. 21 00:00:48,600 --> 00:00:52,330 Our first review is an email from ChoBeatsCho97. 22 00:01:01,133 --> 00:01:05,073 Oh, to be falsely... accused. 23 00:01:05,133 --> 00:01:07,503 Well, you know, as a man of a certain stature, 24 00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,370 I have a lot to lose, having charges 25 00:01:09,467 --> 00:01:10,927 thrown willy-nilly in my direction. 26 00:01:11,067 --> 00:01:12,397 - Who's that? - What? 27 00:01:12,500 --> 00:01:13,930 Who's Willy Nilly? 28 00:01:14,067 --> 00:01:16,367 Oh, that is not a person. 29 00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:20,267 I guess I'm off to be the victim of injustice. 30 00:01:20,367 --> 00:01:22,597 Then why are we talking about him? 31 00:01:22,700 --> 00:01:24,100 - Talking about who? - Willy Nilly. 32 00:01:24,200 --> 00:01:27,470 Oh, we're not talking about Willy Nilly. 33 00:01:27,567 --> 00:01:31,067 (Forrest) In order to be falsely accused, I would need accusers. 34 00:01:31,167 --> 00:01:33,897 I turned to my intern, Josh, and his girlfriend, Tina. 35 00:01:34,067 --> 00:01:37,227 So this is the police blotter for the city of Burbank. 36 00:01:37,333 --> 00:01:40,233 Now pick a crime on here, any crime at all, 37 00:01:40,333 --> 00:01:41,703 and then accuse me of it. 38 00:01:41,800 --> 00:01:43,470 I don't want you to back down no matter what, 39 00:01:43,567 --> 00:01:45,627 no matter what the police say, certainly no matter what I say. 40 00:01:45,733 --> 00:01:48,533 Just point the finger of blame at me, please, 41 00:01:48,633 --> 00:01:49,803 and keep it pointed. 42 00:01:49,900 --> 00:01:50,870 Okay. Yeah, no problem. 43 00:01:50,967 --> 00:01:52,597 Okay, good. See, look here. 44 00:01:52,700 --> 00:01:55,430 Someone's been stealing avocados from this woman's tree. 45 00:01:55,533 --> 00:01:56,973 Like, that's perfect. 46 00:01:57,067 --> 00:01:59,767 What you doing? Oh, you're getting started. 47 00:01:59,867 --> 00:02:02,597 - You know what to do? - I think Tina's got it. 48 00:02:02,700 --> 00:02:05,870 (Forrest) But very quickly, I began to suspect I'd left this task 49 00:02:05,967 --> 00:02:07,627 to the wrong people. 50 00:02:07,733 --> 00:02:10,333 Josh and Tina seemed to be putting off their accusation 51 00:02:10,433 --> 00:02:12,903 in favor of all other manner of business. 52 00:02:13,067 --> 00:02:14,697 While on an outing to buy headphones 53 00:02:14,800 --> 00:02:16,230 from a store called craigslist, 54 00:02:16,333 --> 00:02:17,833 Tina ran out of gas. 55 00:02:17,933 --> 00:02:19,933 You get this at the gas station, fill it up with gas. 56 00:02:20,067 --> 00:02:21,267 Well, if I'm going to the gas station, 57 00:02:21,367 --> 00:02:23,067 - I'm just gonna fill it up. - Sure. 58 00:02:23,133 --> 00:02:24,703 - Yes, you can hold on to that. - Have a good day. 59 00:02:24,800 --> 00:02:26,530 I hope you weren't doing anything really important. 60 00:02:26,633 --> 00:02:28,103 To be honest, I was not, 61 00:02:28,200 --> 00:02:30,900 but this is still an inconvenience. 62 00:02:31,067 --> 00:02:33,097 (Forrest) Josh, in an effort to make up for this frustrating time suck, 63 00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:34,770 offered to have my glasses fixed... 64 00:02:34,867 --> 00:02:36,867 Like, this side is closer to my face than this side. 65 00:02:36,967 --> 00:02:38,667 (Forrest) An errand which I did appreciate, 66 00:02:38,767 --> 00:02:40,767 as they'd been crooked ever since I was shot in them. 67 00:02:40,867 --> 00:02:43,097 - Here you go. - Thank you very much. 68 00:02:43,200 --> 00:02:46,530 I felt useless in the meantime, a feeling Tina tried to soothe 69 00:02:46,633 --> 00:02:49,273 by having me sign some responses to our fan mail. 70 00:02:49,367 --> 00:02:50,767 I guess they'd get a big kick 71 00:02:50,867 --> 00:02:52,827 out of seeing my name signed on there, huh? 72 00:02:52,933 --> 00:02:55,073 (Forrest) I began to suspect my coconspirators had completely 73 00:02:55,167 --> 00:02:56,667 forgotten their assignment. 74 00:02:56,767 --> 00:02:58,067 Great. And that's just your whole name. 75 00:02:58,133 --> 00:02:59,573 All right. 76 00:02:59,667 --> 00:03:02,797 (Forrest) I couldn't have been more wrong. 77 00:03:02,900 --> 00:03:04,470 The police are here for you. 78 00:03:04,567 --> 00:03:07,467 [sighs] At last. 79 00:03:07,567 --> 00:03:09,327 - Are you Forrest MacNeil? - Yes, I am. 80 00:03:09,433 --> 00:03:11,733 But, officers, I'm sorry to say you've got the wrong man. 81 00:03:11,833 --> 00:03:13,673 I don't even like avocados. You see, they upset my stomach. 82 00:03:13,767 --> 00:03:15,297 Great. You're under arrest for arson, attempted murder... 83 00:03:15,400 --> 00:03:17,330 - What? No, no, no. - And destruction of property. 84 00:03:17,433 --> 00:03:19,373 What are you talking about? Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey. 85 00:03:19,467 --> 00:03:21,067 You have the right to remain silent. 86 00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:22,630 Oh, no, no. Hey, Dad, call my lawyer, okay? 87 00:03:22,733 --> 00:03:24,173 Forr-- Who's your lawyer? 88 00:03:24,267 --> 00:03:26,297 - Call a really good lawyer. - A realty lawyer? 89 00:03:26,400 --> 00:03:27,330 If you cannot afford an attorney, 90 00:03:27,433 --> 00:03:28,673 one will be appointed for you. 91 00:03:28,767 --> 00:03:32,527 Oh, Forrest. 92 00:03:32,633 --> 00:03:34,633 (Forrest) My lawyer, Daisy, rushed to the police station. 93 00:03:34,733 --> 00:03:35,973 What took you so long? 94 00:03:36,067 --> 00:03:37,567 I couldn't find my shoes. 95 00:03:37,667 --> 00:03:39,367 Well, this is ridiculous. 96 00:03:39,467 --> 00:03:41,327 I mean, they can't possibly have any kind of case against me. 97 00:03:41,433 --> 00:03:45,133 Well, I normally would tell you not to worry, Forrest, 98 00:03:45,233 --> 00:03:46,873 but I think you should worry. 99 00:03:46,967 --> 00:03:49,067 How could it be bad? There's no way for this to be bad. 100 00:03:49,167 --> 00:03:51,227 (Forrest) To my shock and horror, 101 00:03:51,333 --> 00:03:53,973 I had been charged with the incredibly serious crime 102 00:03:54,067 --> 00:03:55,627 of burning down a sorority house 103 00:03:55,733 --> 00:03:57,733 at the University of Southern California. 104 00:03:57,833 --> 00:04:00,573 They found your fingerprints 105 00:04:00,667 --> 00:04:03,297 all over this container used to pour gas on the house. 106 00:04:03,400 --> 00:04:04,770 Well, that ought to do it. 107 00:04:04,867 --> 00:04:08,597 They found eyeglasses that match your prints 108 00:04:08,700 --> 00:04:10,200 and your prescription. 109 00:04:10,300 --> 00:04:11,870 - Here you go. - Thank you very much. 110 00:04:11,967 --> 00:04:13,667 I appreciate it. Think about it for a second. 111 00:04:13,767 --> 00:04:15,697 How would I have driven home from there without my glasses? 112 00:04:15,800 --> 00:04:20,600 Well, you might have a backup pair. 113 00:04:20,700 --> 00:04:23,300 - I do have a backup pair. - Oh, my God. 114 00:04:23,400 --> 00:04:28,370 And finally, a whole series of hand-signed hate letters. 115 00:04:28,467 --> 00:04:31,297 "Put a jacket on, whores." 116 00:04:31,400 --> 00:04:32,670 That's my signature. 117 00:04:32,767 --> 00:04:34,797 "Life--it's literally all you have. 118 00:04:34,900 --> 00:04:36,800 "And you're a bunch of stuck-up sluts. 119 00:04:36,900 --> 00:04:38,370 Signed, Forrest MacNeil." 120 00:04:38,467 --> 00:04:39,867 I guess they'd get a big kick 121 00:04:39,967 --> 00:04:41,797 out of seeing my name signed on there, huh? 122 00:04:41,900 --> 00:04:43,800 (Forrest) Apparently, Josh and Tina had not felt it adequate 123 00:04:43,900 --> 00:04:46,830 to simply point the finger at me for a minor crime. 124 00:04:46,933 --> 00:04:49,073 This was supposed to be stolen avocados. 125 00:04:49,133 --> 00:04:51,973 (Forrest) Instead, they chose the fiery destruction of a house 126 00:04:52,067 --> 00:04:53,867 inhabited by college girls, 127 00:04:53,967 --> 00:04:56,367 and they constructed an impressively thorough trail 128 00:04:56,467 --> 00:04:58,327 - of evidence linking me to it. [gavel bangs] 129 00:04:58,433 --> 00:05:00,403 (judge) Forrest MacNeil, you are charged with arson 130 00:05:00,500 --> 00:05:02,400 in the second degree, attempted murder. 131 00:05:02,500 --> 00:05:04,700 (Forrest) Their departure from the plan was, to say the least... 132 00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:05,730 How do you plead? 133 00:05:05,833 --> 00:05:06,733 (Forrest) Startling. 134 00:05:06,833 --> 00:05:09,573 Not guilty. 135 00:05:09,667 --> 00:05:11,227 How could you do that? 136 00:05:11,333 --> 00:05:12,503 People could've been killed in there, 137 00:05:12,600 --> 00:05:14,170 and then I would be blamed for it. 138 00:05:14,267 --> 00:05:15,297 I don't know what you're talking about, Mr. MacNeil. 139 00:05:15,400 --> 00:05:17,170 Yeah, I had friends in that house. 140 00:05:17,267 --> 00:05:19,127 Dear, dear friends. 141 00:05:19,233 --> 00:05:22,073 Guys, we need to drop the act for a minute, all right, 142 00:05:22,100 --> 00:05:24,300 because this is a very serious crime. 143 00:05:24,400 --> 00:05:29,100 This is 10 to 15 years in jail. 144 00:05:29,200 --> 00:05:31,570 In jail! Do you understand what that means? 145 00:05:31,667 --> 00:05:33,097 We got to figure out a way to get me out of this, okay? 146 00:05:33,200 --> 00:05:35,830 No. We're not gonna get you out of this, okay? 147 00:05:35,933 --> 00:05:38,233 You deserve the punishment you get. 148 00:05:38,333 --> 00:05:40,733 Yeah, you're evil. 149 00:05:40,833 --> 00:05:43,903 Oh, oh, my God, I just felt it. 150 00:05:44,067 --> 00:05:45,097 What are you talking about? 151 00:05:45,200 --> 00:05:46,970 She's really sensitive to evil. 152 00:05:47,067 --> 00:05:48,167 You know I'm not evil. Guys, guys, all right, all right. 153 00:05:48,267 --> 00:05:49,967 Hey, forget about what I said before. 154 00:05:50,067 --> 00:05:51,467 Oh. 155 00:05:51,567 --> 00:05:56,067 - You're doing such a good job. - [chuckles] 156 00:05:57,267 --> 00:05:58,727 (Forrest) As an indicted arsonist, 157 00:05:58,833 --> 00:06:01,733 I now felt accusing eyes on me wherever I went... 158 00:06:01,833 --> 00:06:03,673 Hi. 159 00:06:03,767 --> 00:06:05,467 (Forrest) The world's suspicion landing on my shoulders 160 00:06:05,567 --> 00:06:07,797 with devastating weight. 161 00:06:07,900 --> 00:06:10,630 Feeling alone and distrusted, 162 00:06:10,733 --> 00:06:13,533 I sought the support of my only lifelong ally, my father. 163 00:06:13,633 --> 00:06:15,733 I did not do it. 164 00:06:15,833 --> 00:06:17,133 - I know. - Thank you. 165 00:06:17,233 --> 00:06:20,073 - I need that. - I believe you. 166 00:06:21,567 --> 00:06:25,367 But let's just say that you did do it, you know? 167 00:06:25,467 --> 00:06:27,267 What did you have against those girls? 168 00:06:27,367 --> 00:06:28,697 [sighs] 169 00:06:28,800 --> 00:06:29,700 (Forrest) Even my dad thought me capable 170 00:06:29,800 --> 00:06:32,630 of sorority house arson. 171 00:06:32,733 --> 00:06:35,533 My lawyer and I met to strategize my defense. 172 00:06:35,633 --> 00:06:37,903 They have offered you a plea deal, 173 00:06:38,067 --> 00:06:39,727 and I think it's quite generous. 174 00:06:39,833 --> 00:06:42,973 You would do eight years in jail, 175 00:06:43,067 --> 00:06:47,197 and then you would get out. 176 00:06:47,300 --> 00:06:49,270 Eight years. 177 00:06:49,367 --> 00:06:51,167 [sighs] 178 00:06:55,267 --> 00:06:56,197 (Forrest) Before turning myself in 179 00:06:56,300 --> 00:06:57,630 to serve eight years in prison 180 00:06:57,733 --> 00:06:59,303 for a crime I did not commit, 181 00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:00,730 not even a little bit, 182 00:07:00,833 --> 00:07:02,203 there was one thing I had not tried. 183 00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:03,870 Please, please, please. 184 00:07:03,967 --> 00:07:05,627 I am begging you. I didn't do it. 185 00:07:05,733 --> 00:07:07,433 We should've had a safe word, you guys. 186 00:07:07,533 --> 00:07:08,733 Something like pineapple, 187 00:07:08,833 --> 00:07:10,933 so I could say pineapple, guys, pineapple. 188 00:07:11,067 --> 00:07:13,267 You have to tell them I'm innocent, please. 189 00:07:13,367 --> 00:07:15,927 We can't tell them you're innocent because you're guilty. 190 00:07:16,067 --> 00:07:17,927 You have to stop saying that, okay? 191 00:07:18,067 --> 00:07:19,467 You know the truth. Please. 192 00:07:19,567 --> 00:07:22,097 Mr. MacNeil, the truth is, you wanted to kill them, 193 00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:23,600 so you burned down their house. 194 00:07:23,700 --> 00:07:25,100 Shut up, shut up, shut up! Stop saying that. 195 00:07:25,200 --> 00:07:26,930 It isn't true! You're ruining my life. 196 00:07:27,067 --> 00:07:28,927 Mr. MacNeil, you know what's ruining your life? 197 00:07:29,067 --> 00:07:31,797 You're lying to everybody. Stop lying. Just confess. 198 00:07:31,900 --> 00:07:33,870 You'll feel better if you confess. 199 00:07:33,967 --> 00:07:35,527 [together] Confess, confess, confess! 200 00:07:35,633 --> 00:07:36,533 Confess, confess, confess, confess! 201 00:07:36,633 --> 00:07:37,873 [phone rings] 202 00:07:37,967 --> 00:07:39,567 (Forrest) Then, in my darkest hour, 203 00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:41,927 there shone a miraculous ray of light. 204 00:07:42,067 --> 00:07:44,067 Shut up! It's my lawyer. It's my lawyer. 205 00:07:44,100 --> 00:07:45,930 What? Oh, God, what? What? 206 00:07:46,067 --> 00:07:47,367 Oh. 207 00:07:47,467 --> 00:07:49,827 Oh, you're kidding me. 208 00:07:49,933 --> 00:07:51,833 Oh, my God. 209 00:07:51,933 --> 00:07:54,273 Oh, thank God. Okay, oh, yes. 210 00:07:54,367 --> 00:07:56,197 Okay, bye. 211 00:07:56,300 --> 00:07:59,070 - The charges have been dropped. - Really? 212 00:07:59,100 --> 00:08:01,270 They arrested somebody else for it, some woman named... 213 00:08:01,367 --> 00:08:03,667 [together] Tracy Mahidi. 214 00:08:03,767 --> 00:08:06,227 (Forrest) As it turned out, Tina had a psychotic roommate 215 00:08:06,333 --> 00:08:07,573 who told her that she was going 216 00:08:07,667 --> 00:08:09,727 to set the Zeta Kappa house on fire. 217 00:08:09,833 --> 00:08:11,433 Rather than warn the police, 218 00:08:11,533 --> 00:08:13,073 which is what you're supposed to do, 219 00:08:13,100 --> 00:08:15,230 Josh and Tina framed me for the crime. 220 00:08:15,333 --> 00:08:18,073 Thankfully, the crazy roommate later confessed. 221 00:08:18,100 --> 00:08:19,870 All the blood went out of you, and you were like, 222 00:08:19,967 --> 00:08:22,497 "Pineapple, pineapple, pineapple." 223 00:08:22,600 --> 00:08:23,670 Have a really good night, okay? 224 00:08:23,767 --> 00:08:25,527 I will see you. 225 00:08:31,267 --> 00:08:33,197 Welcome home. 226 00:08:33,300 --> 00:08:35,230 (Forrest) I was relieved to have the charges dropped, 227 00:08:35,333 --> 00:08:37,203 but having been brought to the edge of serving 228 00:08:37,300 --> 00:08:41,070 significant time in prison and having seen my own father 229 00:08:41,167 --> 00:08:43,667 believe me capable of setting a house on fire 230 00:08:43,767 --> 00:08:45,327 and letting it burn, 231 00:08:45,433 --> 00:08:48,733 well, I felt my punishment had already been served. 232 00:08:48,833 --> 00:08:51,803 Being falsely accused, one star. 233 00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:57,400 Your next review comes from Stephen Shea, 234 00:08:57,500 --> 00:09:00,900 a high school sophomore in Muscatine, Iowa. 235 00:09:01,067 --> 00:09:02,727 Hey, Forrest, I've got a big crush 236 00:09:02,833 --> 00:09:04,303 on my algebra teacher, Mrs. Greenfield. 237 00:09:04,400 --> 00:09:05,970 And I keep wondering, 238 00:09:06,067 --> 00:09:07,627 what would it be like to have sex with your teacher? 239 00:09:07,733 --> 00:09:09,473 [scoffs] 240 00:09:09,567 --> 00:09:11,897 You know, Stephen's curiosity is very understandable. 241 00:09:12,067 --> 00:09:14,667 He'd like to know what it's like to sleep with Mrs. Greenfield, 242 00:09:14,767 --> 00:09:17,067 and I'm going to find out. 243 00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:18,070 Oh-- 244 00:09:21,933 --> 00:09:24,873 (Forrest) Sleeping with Mrs. Greenfield presented daunting challenges. 245 00:09:24,967 --> 00:09:27,797 I had never met her, and she was obviously married. 246 00:09:27,900 --> 00:09:29,630 Oh. She's charming. 247 00:09:29,733 --> 00:09:31,573 (Forrest) But thanks to our modern collective disinterest 248 00:09:31,667 --> 00:09:34,067 in privacy, I was able to find basic information 249 00:09:34,167 --> 00:09:36,527 about my sex target rapidly. 250 00:09:36,633 --> 00:09:38,173 Yeah. 251 00:09:38,267 --> 00:09:40,297 It'll be a pleasure to have sex with her. 252 00:09:40,400 --> 00:09:42,700 (Forrest) For Stephen, Mrs. Greenfield's adolescent student, 253 00:09:42,800 --> 00:09:46,200 she represented forbidden fruit, an impossible conquest. 254 00:09:46,300 --> 00:09:47,870 For me, a divorced adult, 255 00:09:47,967 --> 00:09:50,497 stalking a married woman halfway across the country, 256 00:09:50,600 --> 00:09:53,900 the situation was basically the same. 257 00:09:54,067 --> 00:09:56,227 Mrs. Greenfield alerted the entire world 258 00:09:56,333 --> 00:09:58,073 by way of the social media web 259 00:09:58,100 --> 00:09:59,800 that she'd be meeting some girlfriends 260 00:09:59,900 --> 00:10:02,370 for '90s trivia night at this local bar. 261 00:10:02,467 --> 00:10:04,727 Hey there, do you guys mind if I join your team? 262 00:10:04,833 --> 00:10:06,633 I'm sorry. It's just kind of a girl power kind of night. 263 00:10:06,733 --> 00:10:07,733 Can you scooch over just a little bit there? 264 00:10:07,833 --> 00:10:08,973 It's just us ladies. 265 00:10:09,067 --> 00:10:10,367 Mind giving a little bit of room there? 266 00:10:10,467 --> 00:10:12,027 You know, you'd probably be more comfortable 267 00:10:12,133 --> 00:10:14,533 if you kept scooching over just elbow room-wise--good, okay. 268 00:10:14,633 --> 00:10:16,373 (Forrest) Although this predatory behavior 269 00:10:16,467 --> 00:10:18,197 felt wrong on many levels, 270 00:10:18,300 --> 00:10:21,170 I knew I had to continue, for the good of humanity. 271 00:10:21,267 --> 00:10:23,127 I've been brushing up on the '90s. 272 00:10:23,233 --> 00:10:26,233 I know all about, you know, Diff'rent Strokes and Webster. 273 00:10:26,333 --> 00:10:28,373 I think that was the-- that's the '80s. 274 00:10:28,467 --> 00:10:30,127 Nancy Reagan's "Just say no" thing, 275 00:10:30,233 --> 00:10:31,503 reading up on that last night. 276 00:10:31,600 --> 00:10:32,500 That's the '80s as well. 277 00:10:32,600 --> 00:10:33,700 And the various people 278 00:10:33,800 --> 00:10:36,000 that got involved, you know, with that. 279 00:10:36,100 --> 00:10:37,500 In the movie Office Space, 280 00:10:37,600 --> 00:10:40,370 what item did Peter pull from the rubble? 281 00:10:40,467 --> 00:10:42,097 - Yes. - Red scissors. 282 00:10:42,200 --> 00:10:44,030 - No. Anybody else? - Red stapler. 283 00:10:44,133 --> 00:10:45,573 Yes, red stapler. 284 00:10:45,667 --> 00:10:47,027 What's the difference? It's the same thing. 285 00:10:47,133 --> 00:10:48,603 Um, one's staples, one's a scissor. 286 00:10:48,700 --> 00:10:50,100 Can we get half credit for that? 287 00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:51,430 - No, you don't. No. - You got the-- 288 00:10:51,533 --> 00:10:52,933 She-- Well, you got the color right. 289 00:10:53,033 --> 00:10:54,933 - You got the color right. - It's fine. 290 00:10:55,033 --> 00:10:56,033 (Forrest) I paid a lot of special attention to Mrs. Greenfield. 291 00:10:56,133 --> 00:10:58,103 Yes. How did you know that? 292 00:10:58,200 --> 00:10:59,530 I watched a ton of Soul Train. 293 00:10:59,633 --> 00:11:01,303 That is amazing. 294 00:11:01,400 --> 00:11:03,200 (Forrest) And thanks to alcohol and flattery, 295 00:11:03,300 --> 00:11:06,100 I was making surprisingly good progress. 296 00:11:06,200 --> 00:11:08,330 Wow, that's great, so you've got now just the two cats. 297 00:11:08,433 --> 00:11:10,333 - Yeah. - Okay. 298 00:11:10,433 --> 00:11:12,133 (Forrest) As the night wore on and her friends left the bar, 299 00:11:12,233 --> 00:11:15,203 sex with Mrs. Greenfield seemed more and more likely. 300 00:11:15,300 --> 00:11:17,170 So what's your story, mystery man... 301 00:11:17,267 --> 00:11:18,297 Hmm, oh, well... 302 00:11:18,400 --> 00:11:19,770 With you in the middle of nowhere? 303 00:11:19,867 --> 00:11:21,867 Oh, I live in Hollywood, California, actually. 304 00:11:21,967 --> 00:11:24,067 (Forrest) My knowledge that Mrs. Greenfield had minored 305 00:11:24,133 --> 00:11:26,073 in drama was a valuable asset. 306 00:11:26,100 --> 00:11:29,970 Has anybody ever told you that you should actress? 307 00:11:30,067 --> 00:11:31,767 You mean be a, like, be an actress? 308 00:11:31,867 --> 00:11:33,067 Be an actress, yeah. 309 00:11:33,133 --> 00:11:34,373 Well, I am one. 310 00:11:34,467 --> 00:11:35,867 - I do teach, but, like... - Okay. 311 00:11:35,967 --> 00:11:37,627 I also actress. 312 00:11:37,733 --> 00:11:39,073 Do you really? 313 00:11:39,100 --> 00:11:40,630 I think I should switch to waters. 314 00:11:40,733 --> 00:11:42,073 - I'm gonna switch to water. - Oh, no, no, no. 315 00:11:42,100 --> 00:11:43,230 No, you don't, sir. 316 00:11:43,333 --> 00:11:45,073 I'm gonna buy you a pitcher. 317 00:11:45,100 --> 00:11:47,070 - What? A pitcher? - Yes. Here we go. 318 00:11:47,167 --> 00:11:49,767 (Forrest) As our evening progressed, I saw that Mrs. Greenfield 319 00:11:49,867 --> 00:11:54,197 was a dreamer being held back by a distant and uncaring spouse, 320 00:11:54,300 --> 00:11:56,170 and that moved me greatly. 321 00:11:56,267 --> 00:11:57,767 Just pull it off. 322 00:11:57,867 --> 00:12:00,297 (Forrest) That night, I had truly glorious sex 323 00:12:00,400 --> 00:12:01,970 with Mrs. Greenfield. 324 00:12:02,067 --> 00:12:03,627 Though I do not know what she's like in a classroom, 325 00:12:03,733 --> 00:12:06,103 in bed, she is a gifted teacher, 326 00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:07,730 revealing to me sexual positions 327 00:12:07,833 --> 00:12:10,403 that have broadened my horizons and expanded my mind. 328 00:12:10,500 --> 00:12:12,970 It was amazing. 329 00:12:13,067 --> 00:12:15,597 My review might have ended here 330 00:12:15,700 --> 00:12:17,430 but for a surprising development. 331 00:12:17,533 --> 00:12:19,133 Sounds like a fun activity. 332 00:12:19,233 --> 00:12:21,233 Mrs. Greenfield? 333 00:12:21,333 --> 00:12:23,473 - Oh, hi, Stephen. - Oh. 334 00:12:23,567 --> 00:12:24,767 This is Stephen. 335 00:12:24,867 --> 00:12:26,427 Yes. Hello. 336 00:12:26,533 --> 00:12:28,303 - I didn't mean it like that. - Oh. 337 00:12:28,400 --> 00:12:29,970 Well, I don't know, 338 00:12:30,067 --> 00:12:32,767 uh, who you are or w-what you could ever mean 339 00:12:32,867 --> 00:12:34,727 - by that or anything else. - Okay. 340 00:12:34,833 --> 00:12:36,273 - So yeah. - It was good to run into you. 341 00:12:36,367 --> 00:12:37,667 - We'll see you later. - Very good. Okay. 342 00:12:37,767 --> 00:12:40,267 Hey, I meant your teacher, not my teacher. 343 00:12:40,367 --> 00:12:42,167 I don't have a teacher. 344 00:12:42,267 --> 00:12:44,067 I'm a grown-up, so I couldn't have done that, okay? 345 00:12:44,167 --> 00:12:46,727 Yeah, screw you. And your show sucks. 346 00:12:46,833 --> 00:12:48,503 Come on. 347 00:12:48,600 --> 00:12:50,070 - Do not engage with him. - What? 348 00:12:50,100 --> 00:12:51,470 (Mrs. Greenfield) He is off. 349 00:12:51,567 --> 00:12:54,467 (Forrest) No, he's just a nice young man. 350 00:12:54,567 --> 00:12:59,167 Well, an awkward ending to a very enjoyable experience. 351 00:12:59,267 --> 00:13:01,197 Stephen, I'm sorry. 352 00:13:01,300 --> 00:13:03,930 It couldn't have been easy watching me make beautiful 353 00:13:04,067 --> 00:13:06,767 and athletic love to the woman of your dreams. 354 00:13:06,867 --> 00:13:08,767 But let's agree, we were both at fault here. 355 00:13:08,867 --> 00:13:11,267 Your question was confusingly worded. 356 00:13:11,367 --> 00:13:13,967 And I am very happy to announce that Mrs. Greenfield 357 00:13:14,067 --> 00:13:17,127 has left her oppressive husband and her dismal life 358 00:13:17,233 --> 00:13:20,073 as your math teacher to join me here in California, 359 00:13:20,167 --> 00:13:22,727 where we are having lots more sex. 360 00:13:22,833 --> 00:13:24,933 This has been a life-changing assignment. 361 00:13:25,067 --> 00:13:28,427 And again, Stephen, I am sorry. 362 00:13:28,533 --> 00:13:30,373 I give sleeping with your teacher 363 00:13:30,467 --> 00:13:32,967 five brightly shining stars. 364 00:13:33,067 --> 00:13:35,267 - Highly recommended. - Oh. 365 00:13:35,367 --> 00:13:38,397 Yay, a new girlfriend for Forrest. 366 00:13:38,500 --> 00:13:39,930 I really like her. 367 00:13:40,067 --> 00:13:42,097 I think sometimes the best relationships start out 368 00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,370 in the grossest and most messed up ways. 369 00:13:44,467 --> 00:13:46,567 - Thank you. - Yeah. 370 00:13:50,067 --> 00:13:53,397 [triumphant music] 371 00:13:53,500 --> 00:13:55,870 May I have my next review, please? 372 00:13:55,967 --> 00:13:58,067 This one comes from a William Nilly 373 00:13:58,167 --> 00:13:59,397 in Ellsworth, Pennsylvania. 374 00:13:59,500 --> 00:14:01,400 - Mm-hmm. - He writes... 375 00:14:09,900 --> 00:14:11,670 Hmm. 376 00:14:11,767 --> 00:14:14,827 Well, sounds like I'm going to have to help this gargantuan man 377 00:14:14,933 --> 00:14:18,073 by exploring what it's like to be a little person. 378 00:14:18,167 --> 00:14:19,367 Oh, actually, Forrest, 379 00:14:19,467 --> 00:14:21,597 they prefer the term "little people." 380 00:14:21,700 --> 00:14:22,830 They're not just one person. 381 00:14:22,933 --> 00:14:25,103 Yes, well, my apologies. 382 00:14:25,200 --> 00:14:27,400 Okay, here I go. 383 00:14:27,500 --> 00:14:30,170 (A.J.) Oh, the farther you go, the smaller you get. 384 00:14:30,267 --> 00:14:31,527 So far so good. 385 00:14:31,633 --> 00:14:33,673 Thank you. 386 00:14:33,767 --> 00:14:36,927 (Forrest) There is a genuine little person who works in my office building. 387 00:14:37,067 --> 00:14:41,767 I took in every aspect of his stature. 388 00:14:41,867 --> 00:14:45,597 - Can I help you? - No. 389 00:14:45,700 --> 00:14:47,430 (Forrest) I've never considered what it would be like 390 00:14:47,533 --> 00:14:49,373 to live in a world where everything is designed 391 00:14:49,467 --> 00:14:52,297 for people much bigger than you. 392 00:14:55,367 --> 00:14:58,197 But I was about to find out. 393 00:15:01,400 --> 00:15:02,800 - Hey, Mr. MacNeil. - Hi. 394 00:15:02,900 --> 00:15:04,070 Your giant ruler arrived. 395 00:15:04,167 --> 00:15:05,767 Oh. Well, no. 396 00:15:05,867 --> 00:15:10,327 Now, Josh, that's a normal-sized ruler, one foot long. 397 00:15:10,433 --> 00:15:14,073 But it's--it's so big. 398 00:15:14,167 --> 00:15:16,297 No, it's normal-sized. 399 00:15:16,400 --> 00:15:18,070 I'm small. 400 00:15:18,100 --> 00:15:19,530 Oh. 401 00:15:19,633 --> 00:15:21,403 Yes. 402 00:15:21,500 --> 00:15:22,870 (Forrest) From the beginning, I found it to be 403 00:15:22,967 --> 00:15:25,627 strangely disorienting. 404 00:15:25,733 --> 00:15:29,073 Even everyday tasks became more difficult. 405 00:15:29,167 --> 00:15:31,567 Oh, Ah! Ah! 406 00:15:31,667 --> 00:15:34,067 (Forrest) And the people in my life, even my loved ones, 407 00:15:34,133 --> 00:15:36,973 discriminated against me constantly. 408 00:15:37,067 --> 00:15:40,227 Forrest, what are you doing? 409 00:15:40,333 --> 00:15:42,073 I'm brushing my teeth. 410 00:15:42,167 --> 00:15:44,867 Or am I too small for that? 411 00:15:44,967 --> 00:15:46,397 No. 412 00:15:46,500 --> 00:15:50,470 You're not small at all. 413 00:15:50,567 --> 00:15:52,067 (Forrest) Though I hated to admit it, 414 00:15:52,100 --> 00:15:53,500 my father was right. 415 00:15:53,600 --> 00:15:56,800 I had not fully committed to this review. 416 00:15:56,900 --> 00:15:59,200 I was not small at all. 417 00:16:04,500 --> 00:16:06,100 Hey, Mr. MacNeil. 418 00:16:06,200 --> 00:16:07,900 I got your normal-sized breakfast. 419 00:16:08,067 --> 00:16:10,097 That is not a normal-sized breakfast. 420 00:16:10,200 --> 00:16:12,100 That's a gigantic breakfast. Get rid of it, please. 421 00:16:12,200 --> 00:16:14,300 And we're getting rid of all the other nonsense upstairs. 422 00:16:14,400 --> 00:16:15,600 And come on off those stilts. 423 00:16:15,700 --> 00:16:17,470 It's time to get serious. 424 00:16:17,567 --> 00:16:19,397 Okay, sorry. 425 00:16:21,767 --> 00:16:24,197 You might want to watch your head there. 426 00:16:24,300 --> 00:16:27,070 (Josh) It's kind of a bummer, 'cause, like, I just got used to these. 427 00:16:27,133 --> 00:16:29,633 (Forrest) Mm-hmm. 428 00:16:29,733 --> 00:16:32,473 I'd found a VHS tape in my dad's video collection 429 00:16:32,567 --> 00:16:35,167 of a charming little man named Dorf on Golf. 430 00:16:35,267 --> 00:16:37,327 He is played by the actor Tim Conway 431 00:16:37,433 --> 00:16:40,203 and bears an amusing resemblance to Hitler. 432 00:16:40,300 --> 00:16:44,200 A new plan was born. 433 00:16:44,300 --> 00:16:46,200 Passing through the world of the normals, 434 00:16:46,300 --> 00:16:48,770 I was subjected to constant discrimination 435 00:16:48,867 --> 00:16:50,467 and blatant rudeness. 436 00:16:50,567 --> 00:16:53,067 [scoffs] 437 00:16:53,133 --> 00:16:54,533 Hey, hey. 438 00:16:54,633 --> 00:16:56,073 I'm crossing here. 439 00:16:56,100 --> 00:16:57,930 [horn honks] - Move it, jerk-off. 440 00:16:58,067 --> 00:16:59,627 - What's the matter? - Get out of the road. 441 00:16:59,733 --> 00:17:01,373 It takes the time it takes to walk across the street. 442 00:17:01,467 --> 00:17:03,327 [horn honks] 443 00:17:03,433 --> 00:17:05,203 (Forrest) Sadly, I found even those from my own community 444 00:17:05,300 --> 00:17:08,330 didn't accept me, so deep was their self-loathing. 445 00:17:08,433 --> 00:17:10,903 Can I help you? 446 00:17:11,067 --> 00:17:13,067 No. 447 00:17:15,767 --> 00:17:18,067 (Forrest) But perhaps the greatest adversity I faced 448 00:17:18,167 --> 00:17:21,967 was the overzealous desire of everybody to help me. 449 00:17:24,933 --> 00:17:26,873 There you go. 450 00:17:28,933 --> 00:17:30,103 What are you after, the remote? Here. 451 00:17:30,200 --> 00:17:31,970 Yeah. No, I got it. No, I got it. 452 00:17:32,067 --> 00:17:34,167 Dad. [sighs] I had it. 453 00:17:34,267 --> 00:17:36,627 (Forrest) Despite their good intentions, the people in my life 454 00:17:36,733 --> 00:17:39,673 seemed to assume I was helpless to make it on my own 455 00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:44,267 in this normal-sized world. 456 00:17:44,367 --> 00:17:45,397 Should I just-- 457 00:17:45,500 --> 00:17:47,330 I can do it myself. 458 00:17:47,433 --> 00:17:48,603 Okay, sorry. 459 00:17:48,700 --> 00:17:50,070 (Forrest) Even Mrs. Greenfield, 460 00:17:50,100 --> 00:17:52,300 whose loving support had done so much 461 00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,330 to help me move on from my ex-wife, 462 00:17:54,433 --> 00:17:58,773 had no faith in my ability to do the most basic activities. 463 00:17:58,867 --> 00:18:00,867 I'll just give you this one boost. 464 00:18:00,967 --> 00:18:03,327 Would you give a normal-sized person a boost into bed? 465 00:18:03,433 --> 00:18:06,373 (Forrest) To really discover the experience of a little person, 466 00:18:06,467 --> 00:18:09,827 I would have to contend for myself. 467 00:18:09,933 --> 00:18:11,473 All right, you two, get going. 468 00:18:11,567 --> 00:18:13,067 - All right, but I-- - Gosh. 469 00:18:13,133 --> 00:18:16,503 I'll see you in a couple of hours, okay? 470 00:18:19,867 --> 00:18:21,127 I've sent my dad 471 00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:23,103 and Mrs. Greenfield out for a couple of hours 472 00:18:23,200 --> 00:18:26,200 so that I can prepare a surprise meal made by me, 473 00:18:26,300 --> 00:18:28,700 here in this regular-sized kitchen. 474 00:18:28,800 --> 00:18:31,870 Now, Mrs. Greenfield has let it slip 475 00:18:31,967 --> 00:18:34,797 that her favorite vegetable is Brussels sprouts. 476 00:18:34,900 --> 00:18:37,770 But has she ever had them with my signature paprika? 477 00:18:37,867 --> 00:18:39,497 I don't think so. 478 00:18:39,600 --> 00:18:41,330 I know I took out the paprika. 479 00:18:41,433 --> 00:18:42,373 Oh, there it is. 480 00:18:42,467 --> 00:18:45,167 All righty. Very good. 481 00:18:45,267 --> 00:18:46,427 Oh, what is that? 482 00:18:46,533 --> 00:18:47,933 Oh, [bleep]. 483 00:18:48,067 --> 00:18:50,427 Oh, wow. Oh, no. Oh, [bleep]. 484 00:18:50,533 --> 00:18:52,073 Okay, all right, all right, all right. 485 00:18:52,100 --> 00:18:54,130 Here we go. 486 00:18:54,233 --> 00:18:56,173 Oh, [bleep]. Oh. 487 00:18:56,267 --> 00:18:58,167 Oh, no. Oh, my God. 488 00:18:58,267 --> 00:18:59,327 Oh, [bleep]. 489 00:18:59,433 --> 00:19:02,073 Oh, [bleep]. Oh, [bleep]. 490 00:19:02,133 --> 00:19:04,373 (Forrest) Under the usual circumstances of my life, 491 00:19:04,467 --> 00:19:07,067 I could easily have grabbed this fire extinguisher 492 00:19:07,133 --> 00:19:10,203 and put out the blaze that was rapidly engulfing the kitchen. 493 00:19:10,300 --> 00:19:11,600 [bleep]. Oh, [bleep], [bleep]. 494 00:19:11,700 --> 00:19:13,770 (Forrest) But now I was a little person, 495 00:19:13,867 --> 00:19:16,897 a simple truth that outweighed any other considerations, 496 00:19:17,067 --> 00:19:19,927 be it my personal safety or my father's house. 497 00:19:20,067 --> 00:19:21,767 Oh, I got to get out of here! [fire alarm blaring] 498 00:19:21,867 --> 00:19:23,167 I got to get out of here! 499 00:19:23,267 --> 00:19:25,767 Oh, [bleep]. [screaming] 500 00:19:25,867 --> 00:19:27,867 I got to get out of here! 501 00:19:27,967 --> 00:19:30,567 Oh, God. Oh, God. 502 00:19:30,667 --> 00:19:33,697 Aw, [bleep]. 503 00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,100 Oh, God. 504 00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:38,130 [grunting] 505 00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:43,100 Oh, [bleep]. Oh. 506 00:19:43,200 --> 00:19:45,430 Oh, God. Oh, God. 507 00:19:45,533 --> 00:19:48,433 [crying] 508 00:19:48,533 --> 00:19:52,473 Where is the goddamn fire department? 509 00:19:52,567 --> 00:19:55,167 [bleep]. 510 00:19:55,267 --> 00:19:59,397 In what must be a common experience for little people, 511 00:19:59,500 --> 00:20:02,400 a fire extinguisher was thoughtlessly placed 512 00:20:02,500 --> 00:20:07,100 at a regular person's height off the ground. 513 00:20:07,200 --> 00:20:10,470 As a little person, that didn't do me any good at all. 514 00:20:10,567 --> 00:20:12,797 - No! No! - God. 515 00:20:12,900 --> 00:20:15,670 - Forrest. - No, no, no, no, no! 516 00:20:15,767 --> 00:20:16,667 - Oh, God. - What have you done? 517 00:20:16,767 --> 00:20:17,797 Come on, move, move. 518 00:20:17,900 --> 00:20:19,830 I am moving as fast as I can. 519 00:20:19,933 --> 00:20:21,303 No, could you just stand up for a second? 520 00:20:21,400 --> 00:20:22,930 - Don't tell me to stand up! - Come on! 521 00:20:23,033 --> 00:20:24,573 - I am standing up. - The house is on fire! 522 00:20:24,667 --> 00:20:27,467 That is the cruelest thing you can say to a little person. 523 00:20:27,567 --> 00:20:29,667 Dad, why was the fire extinguisher 524 00:20:29,767 --> 00:20:31,667 so high off the ground? 525 00:20:31,767 --> 00:20:34,567 - Stand up! [siren wails] 526 00:20:34,667 --> 00:20:36,367 Everything is in there. 527 00:20:41,833 --> 00:20:43,233 Being a little person 528 00:20:43,333 --> 00:20:45,503 gave me a tremendous sense of accomplishment 529 00:20:45,600 --> 00:20:49,530 as I contended with the world up here from down there. 530 00:20:49,633 --> 00:20:50,973 But a tremendous sense of accomplishment 531 00:20:51,067 --> 00:20:53,027 does not put out fires, 532 00:20:53,133 --> 00:20:55,673 as my father so painfully found out. 533 00:20:55,767 --> 00:20:59,327 Being a little person, 3 1/2 stars. 534 00:21:02,833 --> 00:21:05,073 Well, that's all the time we have for Review tonight. 535 00:21:05,167 --> 00:21:07,497 Please be sure and join us next time. 536 00:21:15,767 --> 00:21:17,397 By the way, how are you coming on finding me 537 00:21:17,500 --> 00:21:19,100 a normal-sized bowl to go with my normal-sized spoon 538 00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,100 so that I can have a normal amount of soup? 539 00:21:21,200 --> 00:21:24,070 So you mean, like-- like, a really big bowl, right? 540 00:21:24,100 --> 00:21:26,500 Just do your best, okay?